It was 7:58pm and already Jeff Shaw "Shank Redemption" was getting on somebody's nerves. No it wasn't Rodney "Semi-Circle" Todd but some middle-aged balding raccoon who was currently over-seeing some wee-lads football before us. It was, in fact, two minutes early to proceed with combat but Marcus "Maximus" Meridius was certain that it was Greenwich's problem and not his £2.5k rolex.
Fletchers "Who Stole My Sleeves" Cuthberta was running ten minutes late due to problems with his tanning machine at home. And with Spar "Hair" Spar making up the numbers we eventually started five-a-side later than expected, but if we didn't start later then it wouldn't be slayers.
The Cheeky Girls started quickly off the blocks. With their early first goal they were soon tempting us with their bums. The Cheeky Boys nearly lost Jeff "I Want A Touch" Shaw to temptation but Preacher "I Could Do Davidson's Job" Cuthbert shielded the Cheeky Boys' eyes and strove forward into the heart of the battle.
By the way, if this report isn't making any sense then don't worry because I'm lost already.
The Cheeky Girls were thrusting their wares through the excelled left... foot of Monsieur "Delta-Force Operations" K. He tried on many a time to penetrate the cheekiness of the boys but to no avail. By half time it was as tight as a pair of leather hot pants soaked up in sea water and left to dry on the beach at 40 degrees. In other words six goals to the good each.
Things didn't open up much after. Rodney "Spreading Himself Well" Roderick was keeping everything out, even the Inland Revenue would find it hard to get anything out of this lad and John "Do I Not Get Hot In Track-Suit Bottoms" Consistent was providing back-up so Rod wouldn't be taken out from behind. Mache "Gay Shoes But Mark's Are Pushing The Competition Hard" New Utd shirt and Fletch were striving forth and grabbing some all important vital goals.
Then disaster struck (actually was probably well before now in reality but do you care?), the clash of the Gay Shoes went over-board. Mark's nifty white 80's slip-on's wanted to take away Mache's mantle of gayness-of-the-foot. But those black bad boys were having none of it when the white boy went in for the tackle it sent them flying and the black homeboy put a cap in white-boys ass all over the floor, gay parity was restored.
Has everyone been mentioned yet? I think so, and if not hard luck - you write the report! And just before I go a mention to the young slayer who was slayed early on in his career. Pierre "Francais" Victim had been I.W.S. (injured while slaying). In giving his all he was tragically brought down by some dirty bounder, but fear not! He shall be back to slay another day.
Jeff, Mache, Fletcherson, Rod, Orme
Marcus, Piece, JJ, S-Ray, K
To the influential Alain who keep our team focused on the ball and who thread the ball like a fine display of patchwork.