Many people thought this match was over before the whistle blew... well, that's actually true because no whistles (or bells for that matter) were involved in this enthralling match of matches. Tension was high. The teams were very evenly matched. Everyone (that had heard about it) was looking forward to it. Supporters turned up in their droves (there were six). It was going to be a good match.
It appeared as though no one could stop him. He was on his way with no looking back. He was moving faster and faster towards his target... he hit... and... he bounced back up again. Yes, you're right, this is the story about Spencer Charleston. He was the 2' 3" tall guy trampolening with all the girls on the other side of the hall. Why on earth have I included this in a match report? Because this kid had more consistency on the trampoleen than Slayers FC did on the pitch.
This reporter couldn't believe her gorgeous, female, alluring and down-right sexy eyes as she gazed upon the young men running up and down... and up and down (you get the idea). This seemed as though it was in a galaxy far, far away with Hans "Off My" Polo and Luke "No It's Neither A Bird Nor A Plane" Gaywalker. Slayers FC were well off form.
A contest that was tightly contested until the bittersweet end. With great foot work from Perky setting up Pete "Rambo" McCausland to shoot as hard as he could... at the wall. Jonny "Back Of The Net" Martin made startling runs down the wall and then down the other wall but no one would pass him the ball. Tim "SAS Master" Matchett did his best but even the (by his own admission) "gay" shoes couldn't help him out this time. Gav "Smell Those Gloves" Todd held his own in the Slayers' nets but couldn't concentrate due the dazzling white finish of Mark "Whiter Than White" Ingram's (not gay) shoes.
Mache, who was getting old in his later years (as most people tend to do), decided that he had to come off and give "They're Really Not Gay" Ingram a chance to shine like his shoes. If only. Ingram did his best to get into positions whereby no one could pass him the ball. But it wasn't all bad. John "I Really Am Retired" Barclay was in the gym and decided to come on and show us all how it's done. He reingited the Slayers side and they began to show a glimmer of that thing called talent... but then the game ended and everyone went home.
Many may disagree with a lot of the things I've included in this report because I simply made them up but I say to them: "Lionel Richie Lives Forever!". Slayers FC are anxious for a rematch whenever and where ever that may be. We also look forward to reading Rick "Yo Daddy" Hill's and Stephen "Orange Lucozade == Tugging Perky's Shirt" Caldwell's take on the event that has gracefully entered the history books tonight.
Final Reckoning: The reduced Slayers side didn't play their best tonight - perhaps they were overconfident before the match started. They lacked pace and didn't defend as they should. Valuable lessons have been learnt from this match that will be carried on to the rematch. Until then True Blues...
Slayers: Tim, Pete, Jonny, Perky and Gav... and Ingram... and Barclay
True Blues: Rick, Stephen, Keith, Bugsy (?!) and Craig
An admirable decision by the winning side was to award young Christopher "Wipper-Snapper" Perks the coveted, shiny, golden and bargain-priced Sparboot for being the only person in his side to retain the ball for longer than a girl can keep a secret. Well done Perky!!!